While Christian Bale, a child 1, gives himself a bat-out-of-hell straight-razor shave with nihilistic disregard for his jugular, the other Newsies get ready for the day (love to take a communal bath with my coworkers!) and sing a song about New York City that’s so long it’s still going on three scenes later. EYYYYY YOUS GUYS KNOWS WHERES I CAN GETS SOME REEYUL BWROOKLYN PEEEZUHHHHH?!?!?!?!?!? I said that 50 times a day every day for two years! Fuhgeddabout being around me in 2009!
Then I swear Christian Bale, our hero, lifelong son of the Big Apple Jack “Cowboy” Kelly, absolutely SCREAMS his first line in the movie in a hard British accent: “Yohhh maaaaaahd!” Do American children even use the word “mad” to mean “crazy”? Wouldn’t they say, like, “two wooden nickels short of a hot dog”?Īll the kids in this movie sound like me when they opened Big Mario’s Pizza around the corner from my work. One Newsie is sucking his thumb, two are scissoring(?) and maybe doing some foot stuff(?), and one is smoking a cigar, until an old man comes in and slaps them each in the face. When first we meet the Newsies, they’re all asleep together (Snoozies) in a big boarding house, because their parents kicked them out for being addicted to sleeping (and cocaine!). Also, these kids were ripped!! (Newspapers used to be made of lead. In 1899 the streets of New York City echoed with the voices of Newsies, which were little boys with jobs who sang, danced, lied, sold papes, soaked ‘em for Crutchy, and essentially invented clickbait, laying the groundwork for today’s profit-driven truth-free media hell. And if you have suggestions for future movies, put them in the comments HERE !Īlso, need a last-minute gift for someone or a pep talk just for yourself? Well, I’m on CAMEO ! Which means that for a low, low price you can hire me to tell your best friend happy birthday, or tell your landlord that you cut a large circular hole in the hardwood floor trying to install a wood stove! Hire me! Sometimes I am bad at getting all my Cameos done, but just resubmit if it expires and I promise I will get to it!]